Well. I don’t know. Do I? What did you do to deserve such words, such feelings? You flirted fantastically. You tried to get me into bed. You caressed my ass during parties and made me feel special; called me “Baby” like no man ever had; bought me drinks, “Bartender, Brah! Another Bolli for Bartelby!” You helped me out of your car on a rainy evening, drew me to you, and held me close, whispering, “I am so happy you stumbled into my life,” into my ear.
No. None of that. Those things are why I think I loved you.
But you left. You died. And I am fairly certain that this is why I think I hate you.
Even back then, if you had taken care of yourself, attended to your health, sought out and received free HIV tests, and discovered what you were carrying before it was too late, you could have had the chance to try to beat it. You could have managed it, with all of your characteristic strength and aplomb and joie de…whatever. And you could have, well, you could have still been here, today. Still laughing and popping your gum in my face because you knew it annoyed me to no end. Still holding me, in the flesh, and not simply wrapping me in the ghostly shreds of your memory.
But I cannot hate you. It is impossible. I have made some of the same mistakes that you made. So to hate you would be hypocritical. But I…I wish you had made different decisions. And I hope that everyone who reads this will learn from your mistakes, and from my own. As I am still able to type these words, it is the least I can do, on this day, to paint the person you were in such vivid hues so that maybe, perhaps, others may see those colors, that person, in themselves, and cherish them / it / her / him. And make better decisions.
So that someone in their own lives will never have to blog about losing them, every time World AIDS Day rolls around.
+ + +
Blogger’s Notes
- Please visit AIDS.gov for more information on how you can spread the word regarding World AIDS Day.
- Please visit National HIV And STD Testing Resources to find a free HIV testing clinic in your area, and get one today.
- This post was written for Ethan, and for Avery.
Filed under: Blogging, Writing , a-list, being a gay, being servicey, death, defining moments, emotional landscapes, linkage, love each day, memories, needful reminders
When I read this post, I immediately started imagining you reading it to me- the quotes being said in the voice of those who we have lost. To be honest with you darling, I think your best writing comes from when you talk about the personal. And your style- it’s as if I can tell you are just writing your thoughts and not trying too hard. I love that. It’s so real and vivid and well, I almost cried. xo
This is fantastic – you have chosen such meanigful words.
Thank you for sharing this this tribute to your friend. Today on World AIDS Day, I am thinking about people who have died of AIDS and not statistics, about what makes us all human and what connects us. And also, as you say, for those of who are lucky enough to still be here, how we can make better decisions.
I hope you don’t mind if I link to your post.
death cheated you too???uh,I thought only me…..!!!
Beautiful post, Atherton. Thank you for sharing your loss and experience so that the rest of us may learn and grow.
Sugar: OMG. Reading your comment this morning made me cry nearly as much as I cried last evening while writing this piece! I am happy that you liked it. I didn’t know when I set out to write it that it would be so brutally honest and conversationally intimate. I am happy you liked it, my dear. xoxoxo
Chelle: Thank you so much, my dear; I am pleased you enjoyed it. (And thank you for the RT! *smile*)
Charlotte: You are very welcome, and I thank you for reading it. I agree with all that you wrote, but especially thinking about what makes us all human and what connects us. It is too easy to forget that, I think, and so World AIDS Day for me is about memorializing that.
And of course I do not mind your link to my entry; I am flattered!
Zenana: Well I guess you could phrase it that way, sure.
Rob: Thank you so much for stopping by and reading, and also for the lovely comment; I’m pleased that you enjoyed it.
Beautiful post, AB…
Thank you, GR, as always…
Beautiful, perfect. Concise yet full. With everything.
Riese: I was afraid during the initial moments / centuries of writing it I was going to be too epic rage. I *think* I toned that down, if only a bit. Maybe. It is such an awful feeling when you are simultaneously damning someone and loving them, when they are dead.
I’m so glad you liked it.
It’s the rawest I have seen you in a long time. This post summarizes everything I know and fear about blogging. We must be fearless if we’re going to do something that matters at all.
i hate that your friend is an example that we all must learn from but i love that your friend can help us all because of your open, articulate and heavy-hurt heart.
Every day is a day to think…
AV: I agree. Rawness and fearlessness are absolutely required if any true impact is to made, any honest emotion truly communicated.
John: Thank you so much for your comment; it means a lot to me. (As does your unique perspective on my writing that you shared with me later, very much.)
Yes, every day is a day to think; every day should be loved…
[...] I Think I Hate You « The Curious Affairs Of Atherton Bartelby Atherton writes a touching, powerful farewell to a friend in honor of World AIDS Day. (tags: aids friends) [...]
You touched me with this post, and I just wanted you to know that.
You write so truthfully and eloquently. You are a talent.
Petra: I wanted to thank you “formally” for stopping by and leaving this comment, which touched me deeply. I’m happy that my thoughts and feelings on World AIDS Day 2008 resonated with you. <3
how do i join these tasteful people in this fan base?
where is the kool-aid?
John: I assumed you had already joined my tasteful fan base. Was I mistaken?
Kool-Aid is over there in the corner, darling; the small man in the crazy big hat is serving it indiscriminately.
Lovely …
And, yes, btdt, unfortunately
Something I wrote at the time we lost Jimmy:
“Life goes on”
is not a phrase that flies
when you know damned well
it doesn’t
Life bogs down
in day to day
when left behind
to live it
“Time will heal”
gives little comfort
when you know damned well
it won’t
Time drags on
too much to pass
with him not here
to fill it
Yet words and love
are just the best
the living
have to offer
and
Live goes on and
time does heal and
the gift was great and
the years were grand and
the love is rare
and
you know damned well
you’re lucky
Sandra: I loved what you wrote when you lost Jimmy. I think it’s sometimes hard to remember that we are lucky to have known and shared time with people once they are gone, but remember we must, I think, in order to heal.
That was beautiful.
Cher Atherton,
I’m glad I have stumbled upon you — via Twitter — on this cold Montréal night. Glad to discover such great talent wrapped around a beautiful soul. Enchantée!
Sorry your friend had to leave so early, but what a wonderful gift to have known him… and him, you.
Peace & Love
Mudd a.k.a. Happy Oza :-)
xoxo
Ma Chère Oza,
Thank you for taking the time to reach out in friendship to me, an obsessive Twitterer and an emo blogger; your friendship and compliments are far more than treasured.
And yes, it was a wonderful gift to have known him…even if in hindsight that period of time seems like only a glimpse, it was enough.
xoxo
A.B.
Thank you. This is relevant to everyone, not just in the context of AIDS (though of course the risk is huge for many) but in a world where it can be hard to make good decisions. Thank you for reminding me to live healthily in order for my family, friends and fiancé to not lose me at an untimely point.
Rachel: I appreciate you taking the time to stop by and read it, my dear, and for your comments on the topic. Also I think you are completely correct in your highlighting of the fact that we live in a world in which it can be difficult to make good decisions, because it is in this world in which we need reminders like World AIDS Day in order to remember how important those decisions sometimes really are to make.
This is beautiful. I came over from Just Posts, saw the red ribbon and the date of the post and knew in that first sentence that it represented words of heartbreak… and now I hate you, I think, because I let myself read and cry and now I’ve got to go check and see if mascara is running and all that nonsense. Because it was beautiful and informative and just the sort of thing I wish more people would read and see and understand.
Holly: Wow, I really want to thank you for your compliment. This post was the first time I had allowed myself to write so publicly and so blatantly honestly about my feelings regarding my two friends. Realizing through comments such as your own that my words truly resonated with other people as I hoped they would makes the revisiting the pain all the more worth it. Thank you so much for stopping by, and for being touched by what I wrote. (Sorry about the mascara. *smile*)
[Also, off-topic, but I love your blog! And many congratulations on your nomination for a Bloggie; from what I've read so far it looks as if it was MUCH deserved!]