This morning, I finally allowed myself to cry.
Not over the past two months of personal and professional drama. Not over the hell that is apartment searching and moving to a new place. Not even over the terrible unconfidence that only comes about when one’s job is terminated.
I cried because of you.
Right here, on my lanai, in an Abercrombie & Fitch “27″ t-shirt and my roommate’s necktie, in the bliss that is the light of a Honolulu dawn, two things sprung at once to the forefront of my memory, and I finally allowed the tears to flow…just to be rid of them, once and for all.
The first memory was your face, and your smile, brightly illumined by the light of an evening after April Fool’s Day North Shore full moon. We had stood on a beach, watching the waves crash onto the shore, drunk with what I thought at the time was happiness, and I had taken your hand in my own and said to you earnestly, regarding the previous three months of no contact with you, “Please promise me just one thing: that you will never do that to me again.”
“I promise,” you said, low, and serious, squeezing my hand in return.
(And continued squeezing it throughout our ride back into Town while listening to a certain Death Cab For Cutie song on repeat.)
The tears were only flowing slowly at that memory, this morning, in the light of the rising sun reflecting off of the stark white Waikiki high-rises. But they began flowing ever more quickly once some stanzas from a particular chick flick I had seen for the first time only several weeks ago suddenly popped into my memory…for they described, I realized, precisely, my feelings about you.
I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.I hate your big dumb combat boots,
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick;
it even makes me rhyme.I hate the way you’re always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.I hate it when you’re not around,
and the fact that you didn’t call.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you.
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
I had to do it.
I had to allow myself to cry over you, one final time. I had to do it to remember how happy you made me…and also how miserable you have made me. I had to allow myself to cry in order to mourn the loss of your friendship, to grieve, one final time, and, also, to move on.
And it felt good.
Because as much as I still, perhaps stupidly, after all that you have said and done and have not said and not done, care about and love you…
…it felt good to really know that this will be the last time I cry because of you.
I envy you for your way with words. And your compassion. And for your emotional spectrum.
Not that I don’t feel I have these to a certain degree of my own, but… yours is an entirely different brand. It’s refreshing, and I always appreciate the comments you make on my LJ. ^_^
Buttsexplzthx. =)
Leo: I do believe those are the nicest words written to me by another gay man in a very long time…and for that, I thank you profusely.
And yes, you do possess all of those qualities, as well, in addition to a supreme sense of humor, unapologetic emotional honesty, and, most importantly, personal and confident strength.
And this is why I envy you.
(And yeah buttsexplzthx would totally happen if you ever make it to Oahu or I ever make it to Vegas, believe me.
If thy hand offend thee, cut it off. Cut it off and cry a river for it. But only once.
Then write an emo entry about it.
And then call AV and apologize. This I say unto thee.
AV: Ah but how you do know my heart, and how I mourn. (And how long it sometimes takes me to mourn, and how unexpectedly it sometimes happens.)
So I’ve cut it off, cried a river for it (only once), written an emo entry about it, and called AV to apologize.
So I am done!
*wink*
sweetie, the tears are flowing now…
But I totally agree with all of your TRUE friends… just cut the damn thing off and give us a call! =P
Luv Ya!
Kat: Aw, Sweetie, I sooooo miss you! You were always one of the best things about working in that office, seriously. We have to do lunch (you know, since I’m working upstairs, now? LOL).
And, don’t worry about the above. I’ve got it (and him) out of my system. No worries there.
Love you too!
What an excellent entry. You made me tear up too. Very parallel to my current situation right down to the part where you muster up the strength to move on.
And that is, after all is said and done, the important thing: keep moving forward.
go forward, move ahead
it’s not too late to whip it
whip it good.
Cheyne: Thank you so much for the compliment, my friend; it means a lot to me. And, I suspect that while your situation and mine are rather different (you with a five-year-long relationship and me with this years-long friendship that only I wanted to be more), the emotions we experienced / are experiencing are still the same.
And you’re absolutely right: the most important thing, no matter what, is to keep moving forward.
(And OMG thank you so much for the first Devo reference up in this blog; that was awesome! *smile*)